it put an end to searching
I fell in love with my boyfriend without knowing it. In the beginning we were just two people in the same group of friends. We became friends. We talked a lot – found out all the things we had in common, drank a whole lot of red wine. Talked about skiing (yes we did, I’m not making it up) and growing up as children of teachers. We became good friends. I was fresh out of a mess you’d expect on TV, but never in real life, and friendships were what got me through it (though it wrecked a couple as well), so friendships were great for me – far greater than relationships. Relationships I had had enough of.
One evening – a Friday – later than usual, after intake of much wine and good food with lots of friends, I found J looking at me in that “I like you as more than a friend, what do you think?” kind of way. I freaked. I went straight to bed. The next day I told my diary that it was not supposed to happen. I did NOT need a boyfriend. What I needed was a friend – and I had found one, and I was going to keep him even though he might think there was something more to it.
Fast forward six years and here I am with the very same boy. The one I wanted to be nothing more than a friend is the one I (happily) wake up next to every morning.
But naturally it wasn’t as easy as that. It’s never that easy.
I set out to be just friends, but found myself writing ever so often in my diary how annoyed I was with myself and the fact that I couldn’t stop flirting with J. I became interested in his whereabouts and almost always knew where he was and what he was doing. And when he started flirting with another girl, it became clear to me that if he was going to flirt with anybody, it was going to be me! Even though I of course still told myself I just wanted to be friends.
Eventually I accepted that there was no way back. But at the first chance I freaked; at the second he freaked, and then I gave up. J was on his way to Switzerland for a 10 month stay, so what good was it anyway? Shortly after the second chance he went on holiday leaving me with a couple of weeks to cool down and decide that not going ahead was the best. And then he returned and I threw better judgment over board, and knew the second I saw him that I wanted him. And I knew that if I couldn’t get him prior to his Swiss adventure, I’d wait for him.
At this point our friends had long figured out what was going on. Finding the time to actually be together just the two of us proved difficult. But eventually – finally – three weeks before J’s departure, no one was around. I remember what I was wearing; I remember the excitement and the feeling of “it is happening he’s kissing me”; I remember getting to know his hand – and finding how perfect it fits mine – in the days to come.
Wouldn’t you know it. It’s Valentine’s Day tomorrow. At our place there will be no flowers, no chocolate hearts, no teddy bears. My guess is we’ll eat dinner, I’ll do the dishes while J works, we’ll drink coffee and go to bed early. And Friday morning – just as most other mornings – I’ll wake up next to my best friend, the man I love. Thank Heaven I gave up that “just friends” thing!
Happy Valentine’s Day.
Maybe this is my man trying to make me a heart. I don’t know, but I love him all the same…