a great 2008

– which echoes in 2009 and further on

february moments

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“It’s a year ago today” I tell him as we sit drinking coffee. I squeeze his hand. “No, the operation was on the 7th” he tells me. I’m quite sure he’s wrong, but arguing seems stupid. The thing is he’s still here. Back home I check my diary. I was right. I phone him. “The operation was on the 9th” I say, “but it’s not important. I just wanted to let you know, I’m happy you’re still around. Really happy!”

***

“There’s something you’ve got to ask me today,” he tells me when he calls from work. I smile. I ask him a little later. I whisper the question in his ear. He beams and his answer is the very same I gave him a couple of days earlier.

***

29 sneaks up on me. There are no visible changes. In my mind I’ve been 29 for months. 29 seems to be a bump in the road on the way to 30.

***

I ride my bike most mornings to the local pool for my daily shower. In the beginning I don’t mind. After a handful of days it’s getting on my nerves. There are bellies and babies everywhere. I’m having a hard time closing my eyes and shutting off. I feel happy for the mothers I meet, and at the same time I’m so extremely jealous. After years of making people jealous my flat tummy longs for curves and changes.

***

I’m on my own most nights. J’s working on the Ph.D. I cook a lot of stews – things he can heat in the microwave and eat for dinner in front of the computer. I eat in front of the TV. I dig out the first season of Lost and begin watching it all over. I work late and hate myself for doing it afterwards when I sit and feel deprived of my free time.

***

The e-mail’s subject is “secret”. My heart is pounding as I press send. “There’s something I haven’t told you,” I have written. “Take a look at this”. For weeks I’ve felt bad about not telling him. I’ve been posting when he wasn’t around. “I miss your writing,” he’s told me a couple of times. I never planned not telling him; I just wanted to convince myself I could do it before letting him in on the secret. He writes me back: “I love you!!!!!!” My most loyal reader is back. I’ve missed him.

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Written by Drew

February 29, 2008 at 6:36 pm

Posted in 2008

Tagged with , , , ,

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