a great 2008

– which echoes in 2009 and further on

february moments

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“It’s a year ago today” I tell him as we sit drinking coffee. I squeeze his hand. “No, the operation was on the 7th” he tells me. I’m quite sure he’s wrong, but arguing seems stupid. The thing is he’s still here. Back home I check my diary. I was right. I phone him. “The operation was on the 9th” I say, “but it’s not important. I just wanted to let you know, I’m happy you’re still around. Really happy!”


“There’s something you’ve got to ask me today,” he tells me when he calls from work. I smile. I ask him a little later. I whisper the question in his ear. He beams and his answer is the very same I gave him a couple of days earlier.


29 sneaks up on me. There are no visible changes. In my mind I’ve been 29 for months. 29 seems to be a bump in the road on the way to 30.


I ride my bike most mornings to the local pool for my daily shower. In the beginning I don’t mind. After a handful of days it’s getting on my nerves. There are bellies and babies everywhere. I’m having a hard time closing my eyes and shutting off. I feel happy for the mothers I meet, and at the same time I’m so extremely jealous. After years of making people jealous my flat tummy longs for curves and changes.


I’m on my own most nights. J’s working on the Ph.D. I cook a lot of stews – things he can heat in the microwave and eat for dinner in front of the computer. I eat in front of the TV. I dig out the first season of Lost and begin watching it all over. I work late and hate myself for doing it afterwards when I sit and feel deprived of my free time.


The e-mail’s subject is “secret”. My heart is pounding as I press send. “There’s something I haven’t told you,” I have written. “Take a look at this”. For weeks I’ve felt bad about not telling him. I’ve been posting when he wasn’t around. “I miss your writing,” he’s told me a couple of times. I never planned not telling him; I just wanted to convince myself I could do it before letting him in on the secret. He writes me back: “I love you!!!!!!” My most loyal reader is back. I’ve missed him.

Written by Drew

February 29, 2008 at 6:36 pm

Posted in 2008

Tagged with , , , ,

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