half way there
Six months ago I decided to start blogging again. I gave up the first try in November after too many days of misery in real life. It was that exact misery that made me start again. I wanted to show myself (and the world, I guess) that 2008 was going to be different, it was going to be great, and I was prepared to fight for it.
I don’t know if 2008 is great, but I know I fight for it to be. Much has changed since I started writing. J submitted the PhD, defended it, got a job straight after (he signed the contract yesterday). At work much has changed too. I am no longer the new colleague I was in January. I am still the only one that goes to fetch milk for the coffee and most secretarial chores land in my lap, but new things have come as well and I am beginning to see how work is just one long roadtrip. You’re not alone in the car and you’re probably not even driving, so you don’t decide much. Sometimes you’re ordered to change the oil even though you don’t think it’s your job, and sometimes your suggestion to open the window and let in some air is highly praised. Some days are dull, some days exciting – just like any other journey.
PhD and work are not 2008’s only journeys. Marriage is one, children another. The first is going well; unfortunately the same can’t be said for the second. But we’re only half way through the year and to stop hoping and believing would be about the silliest thing to do. I have been close a couple of times, and I doubt I am through with it, but I want to believe, I really do. J tells me we will have a baby in 2009, but as the months go by and winter baby turns into spring baby turns into summer baby, the feeling in my stomach isn’t the nicest. On one of my darker days this winter/spring, J looked at me and said that he really hoped having a baby would make me as happy as I expect it to. I understand him completely, because what would I do if it didn’t? Would I cling on to something else, have high hopes for something new and still not be happy? Thankfully I don’t know, and though I am always one to worry, this is one thing I don’t worry about. (Yet.)
What I have learned since proclaiming 2008 was going to be great back in January is that a year consists of many, many an everyday and some “highlight days”. I think I naively thought that a year was going to be great if great things happened, if every week saw something new and huge and life altering. But I have come to learn – and to accept – that part, a huge part, of what makes a year great is everyday life.
The thing about the 1st of July and being half way through the year is that I can’t define everyday life. For the past six months we have lived a certain kind of everyday life modelled around the PhD. A lot of things we didn’t do (I can’t remember the last time I was in an actual cinema) and a lot of things we didn’t do as often as we used to do (drink wine, sleep in, lie next to each other in bed reading the papers). I think, I kind of hope, that the next six months, the rest of the year, will be different, that we will have another kind of everyday life. Not necessarily one that is completely altered, but one that will allow us to spend more time together and do more of the small things which I used to love in our everyday life.
Six more months of 2008. A lot has yet to be seen and experienced. I know what I want and I know some of what will happen, but most things, I think, will just creep up and happen and surprise me. Some will make me sad, some will make me happy. But all in all I still hope that in six months time I am be able to conclude that it was indeed a great 2008.