in some ways a lie, in some ways not
“Is it in connection with pregnancy?” she asked me when she saw the tiny glass of folic acid next to the shaving gel that was my real reason for being in the store. I shook my head, smiled and said “no”. In some ways it was a lie, in some ways it wasn’t.
I took folic acid for four months and some this spring. As I was finishing my second glass and nothing had come, I threw the rest away. I did it one night at dinner. As I was about to eat the pills, I instead put down my glass of water, got up and went to the kitchen where I threw the pills in the garbage. J was shocked and asked what I was doing. The answer to his question drowned in my tears. The next day as I got home from work, I threw away the rest. I felt there was need to kid myself and continue taking the pills.
On my way home from work, I went to get some shaving gel. There was only one girl at the counter and I was second in line. The woman in front of me needed five different shades of nail polish wrapped as five different presents. As I stood waiting, I looked around. I knew exactly which way not to look in order to avoid the pregnancy tests, but my eyes found the vitamins and before I knew of it, I was looking for the folic acid.
It’s been a rough day today – following a rough weekend, which I shouldn’t really say was rough, because it was lovely and fantastic and felt like a vacation, but somehow the roughness crept in and overshadowed everything else. At every available moment today at work, my mind has wandered to the fact that I am not pregnant and to the hopelessness that has been so present this weekend.
“Is it in connection with pregnancy?” she asked me, and I shook my head, smiled and said “no”. Of course it is, but on the other hand it isn’t. Picking up that glass of folic acid gave me if not butterflies then a butterfly in my stomach, a sense of hope and wanting to believe. Choosing to buy those pills is choosing to believe in it and hope for it and I owe not only myself, but J as well, to do at least that: Hope and believe.