I cried for a couple of hours today. Cried like I haven’t cried in ages. I sobbed. I lay curled up on our bed and cried my eyes out. I cried like someone had died, only no one had. And when I was done, I picked myself up and decided to do my very best to get on with life. To cherish the people I love and to live the life which I usually tell people I am thankful for.
One of my very first posts was called “not what I had planned”. Writing that post back then was finding the words for thoughts I had had for years. It is still – and I think it always will be – my favourite post. It sums up not only the life I had lived so far, but also the life ahead of me.
On days like today when tears force me to look at my life from the outside, I see things which make me sad. I see things I would wish were different. I am reminded that my life is not at all like I imagined or planned it. I am forced to see that what I am usually, on good days, able to overlook. And I am reminded that all through my childhood and youth I have been given premonitions. I am reminded I have always known.
If we can’t have it all, how do we find out what to give up? Does life choose for us or do we have to do it ourselves? And what about the cases where we are not alone in choosing?
I cried for a couple of hours today. I cried like someone had died, and maybe something had – a dream of mine. When I was done, I picked myself up and decided to do my best to get on with life. I can’t tell whether my heart is broken a little or a lot, but I know it has to continue beating no matter what.