Vacation is within reach. Two more days and then I will have 18 days off and the most wonderful man by my side.
We are road tripping. We are driving south and seeing where the car takes us. I have a lot of places I want to go, but my desire to just go is way bigger as is the desire to relax. I plan to do nothing. I plan to visit museums or churches or hike in beautiful sceneries if I feel like it – and I plan to sleep in and read books in the tent (yes, we’re camping) if that’s what I feel like. If the book is good enough, if his kisses are tender enough, we can stay in the same place for a fortnight, no problem.
This vacation marks a change. For quite some time any long time planning of vacations has been obstructed by my “I might be (I hope I am) pregnant at that time” thoughts. I feel rather shameful admitting this – and the idea that I might have missed out on something because I hoped to be pregnant when it was to take place hurts me.
I would give up seeing the world if I could have a baby, if someone would guarantee me a baby. But no one can and as hard as this might be, I have had some time to realise that if my life continues to be on hold because I hope to some day become pregnant I risk not only missing out on the baby, but also the world. And who wants to turn 90 and realise that neither motherhood nor the world was ever hers?
I have been thinking about planning trips a lot lately. I still have my New England autumn dream and I would absolutely love to visit Lake District. Autumn, spring – just visit. I want to show J Rome and visit my childhood friend. I want to go all the way north and experience the sun never setting. And I want to go south and have the sand burn my feet.
I want to book plane tickets and flee the country. I want to go away for the weekend; I want to go away for weeks. I want to make sure that I am not missing out on what is actually within my reach because I am waiting and hoping for something which is so obviously not controlled by me.
We will start the car and go early next week. We have a couple of hectic days before vacation really starts, but I plan to one day look back at those 18 days and tell people that they marked a change – that we came back and though it wasn’t really something you could see, something had changed.