fighter or not?
Sometimes I consider myself a fighter – other times not. I fought for J. I have fought for friendships (and let others go). I fight to see my dreams come true. But yes, sometimes I give up the fight. Sometimes I am just not able to fight. Sometimes I just don’t see the reason to fight. And naturally at times I am forced to realise that while I don’t fight, don’t see reason to fight, my competitors keep on fighting and I lose. I am not very good at losing and I never have been. I love winning. But that doesn’t mean I want to fight all the time, it doesn’t mean I see life as an ongoing match I need to win on points.
I got an email tonight from someone I have been fighting with on and off for some time now. I have never understood the desire to fight – what we fight over could easily be divided in two equal portions and keep us both warm and safe at night, but there’s an insistence to fight from the other side. Recently I complained about it to J as I have so many times before. This time he didn’t just shake his head but told me he thought it was getting a little out of hand and he’s right.
As a child, messed up daily in wrong friendships and girls who didn’t want what was best for me, my mother taught me to always be bigger than my opponents. She was right, I know. I love the superiority of people who, even though they are knocked to the ground, always seem to be on top. And I kind of wish I was better at being like that. But mainly I give up and give in, take a deep sigh and try to get on with life. As I have done recently. Only this evening’s email was an invitation. An apology and an invitation to tell the truth and set the record straight, but I am wary. Because if I act I am no longer balanced and bigger, I will be getting into the fight. And as much as the walls of this apartment would love for me to get in there so they could relax and didn’t have to hear me complain almost daily, I think it is unwise. This leaves me bigger, but also in the exact same spot I kind of want to get out of.
It’s September and I am back at work after wedding and vacation. I fight to get back into things, fight to make everyday life work now that we are both working and the time we have for each other is once again limited. Despite sunny days recently it’s getting colder. I have worn tights the past two weeks and am trying to recover from this autumn’s first cold. This morning I wrote a note to myself reminding me that I don’t have any gloves and need to find and buy some before it gets much colder in the mornings. I have begun dreaming of rice pudding and stews, and my mind and body is once again set to woolly attires. After this season comes Christmas and then 2008 will ring its bells for the last time. This year is desperately racing for the finish line and I just want it to slow down a little bit.