life as it is at the moment
At 2:15pm I can’t believe it isn’t any later. I long for silence and phones not ringing and even though I hate myself for doing it, I count the days until weekend. Three days. Normally it is okay to start counting on Wednesday, but I have counted Monday (five) and Tuesday (four) as well. It’s a way better feeling if you don’t start counting until late in the week.
The days are long at the moment and at the same time they drag. Mentally I haven’t really returned to work yet after my vacation. I am a week short of having been in my current job for a year. Last year as I walked through the office door for the first time, happy that I had secured a permanent job – and a good one too, I had dreams and ideas about what my life and the next year would look like. Much of that has come true, but some things turned out very differently, some things have surprised me – things I didn’t give a thought last autumn when the happiness of getting an exciting job filled most of my body’s empty spaces. I guess that’s just how it is – and I know I am not alone in going through a bit of down period when you realise that from now on and the next 35 years it’s work.
One of the things I missed during my first weeks of work last year was something to do, a schedule with meetings, speeches to look through and articles to write, people to advice. This year, this time, I miss empty spaces, I miss days with no meetings, I miss packing up early and leaving to get some free time on my own.
My free time seems to disappear like sand through my fingers. I keep wanting to do things, but I also keep postponing. I sleep a lot on the weekends and the past two Sundays have found me in shitty moods that J has had to put up with. I wonder if it is the autumn blues, if it is the reaction to days becoming darker and shorter by the second (or so it seems). I try to think back, but I cannot remember ever having felt this way before.
Yesterday was our one month anniversary. I feel silly writing it. It is kind of like in the good old days when every minute with your boyfriend counted. When three months was a long time and something which deserved roses and chocolate. I can’t believe it’s been a month, I can’t believe it hasn’t rained very much since that day. I still get a kick out of saying “my husband”, out of telling people I have married, but at the same time I am on the lookout for what has actually changed. Can’t see it, am wondering if I feel it, I think I do. We went to the cinema last night and saw Happy-Go-Lucky. I came close to cancelling, came close to trying to talk J into just staying at home and doing nothing, but I changed my mind. I had a hectic day at work and while cancelling would have been so easy, I decided that one way to feel better, one way to change things so days don’t feel long and dragging and all about work, would be to try to actual do things and not just head straight home.
Everyone at my office is working on a huge launch which is to take place mid November. We have all been warned about late hours and hectic schedules and about having to put all other work aside to get this thing done in time. But however lovely this strategy looks on paper, it looks quite different in the real world.
In the middle of all this, I took the time this afternoon to give feedback to a speech draft. And as I dug in deeper and deeper, I found myself remembering that this is something I do really well. Giving feedback in general, but also specifically to speeches is something that was so important at university – and it was something I was good at. And while the world moves ahead at a crazy speed, I bury myself in this little bubble of mine. I take the time to focus on this and make sure that I do my best. And while it makes me sad that I can’t work this way every day, that I can’t always bury myself in what I like to do and what I am good at, today, this afternoon, it made me extremely happy to leave all the piles on the desk untouched and for the first time in a very long time do something really well – and enjoy it.