another day gone by
I keep wanting to return and write something nice and positive. I keep wanting to make this blog the cosy room I intended it to be. And I keep being faced with reality. Though my life is at times both lovely and warm, and though the past month has maybe treated me better than I have been treated all year, I tend to sit at the keyboard ready to write only on those days where my boss has yelled at me for no reason, those days where the many hours I put into work to lift my part of an extremely heavy workload is not appreciated but rather criticised. And I don’t want to write about those things.
Two years ago around this time I was wondering how life would turn out once university closed its doors and forced me to get to know real life. Two years ago I was doing a three month work practice which I hated almost every second of. Two years ago my mum texted me at work and told me that my dad needed yet another heart surgery. I broke down and cried in the office of a man I didn’t like, a man who hugged me awkwardly and told me to go home. And when I phoned J and told him through heavy tears, he was home within an hour holding me tight and promising me everything was going to be alright.
I think “not what I planned, not what I thought it would be like” is a recurring theme in my life. A good job is only a good job on great days and crappy times may not be altogether just crappy when you look back.
I got yelled at today – for asking a question. I was left speechless. I sat for half an hour just staring afterwards. If you had asked me to tell you left from right, I wouldn’t have been able to. That’s how shocked I was. And to be honest I don’t really want to write about it. I try to think of other things to write, but I am left with a blank.
A year ago (11 months and some) I decided to try to write a blog post every day on an old site which no longer insists. Halfway through I shut down the thing because I was living a life which made me continuously unhappy. I am not unhappy anymore. I am happy. I love my husband and the life we live – and the life we’re going to live, but if last year taught me anything it is that rather than forcing yourself to write it is better to calm down and just not write. Words will come back eventually, as will happy things to write about.