“Can we wait a little while longer?” I ask him. I am afraid of looking at him, knowing he’ll disapprove of my suggestion. “Why?” he asks me. I hesitate and don’t really want to tell. “I am just so afraid. Afraid something might happen. I just feel like waiting a couple of weeks,” I say. “I don’t want to hear that,” he says. “I don’t understand why you won’t tell people, but it’s okay to wait a couple of weeks. But you’ve got to stop thinking something might go wrong. I don’t want to hear you say that. You’ve got to stop saying that. Do you hear me?” I nod and know he’s right. I have been waiting so long for this and I am awfully silly not wanting people to share my joy and an awful idiot for constantly thinking something might go wrong.
I haven’t written much the past five-six weeks. I have been wanting to write, but I have wanted to write only one thing and I was too afraid of jinxing things to share my glorious news with anybody.
Five weeks ago today, I peed on a stick. And two lines showed up. At first I just looked at it and thought “something’s wrong” and then I started crying. I sat with my jeans around my ankles and started crying. I was ill and tired and it was 9am and I didn’t know how to wait a million hours before telling J. I texted him writing only “rain on your wedding day does really bring good luck”. He phoned me within 10 minutes. “Tell me this means what I think it means,” he said. “It does,” I said. “No, tell me in real words,” he demanded, so I told him: “You’re going to be a father.” I didn’t dare utter “I’m pregnant.” He bought me roses that night and for the past five weeks he’s (openly, he also did it secretly – hoping – before we found out) been padding my belly and talking to the tiny thing which grows inside of me.
Tuesday we saw the little thing. We saw the heart beating away. And I have got to be completely honest and say that until that tiny thing on the screen, until that heartbeat, I was afraid of someone telling me I wasn’t really pregnant. But it is in there (and it’s making its mother tired). Afterwards we called our parents with the news and for two days my parents have been phoning me asking how “we” are? I tell them fine and happy – so very happy.
On the 29th of September I crossed off “making a baby” from my list writing “I am crossing this one off. Not because we have accomplished making a baby, but because this is something that I have realised is so out of my hands and despite it still being something I would really love to do in 2008, having it on this list will not make me breathe any easier, will not make me put any less strain on myself. Baby will come when baby wants to come.” I wanted to believe so badly, but months and months and months of disappointment made me doubt it would ever happen. Little did I know…
I’m due on the 6th of June.