before i leave
We leave tomorrow. A week of snow and skiing. I can’t wait, but I don’t feel anywhere near ready to lock the door and leave everything behind yet. At work things keep coming in and I work frantically to ensure I can leave at noon tomorrow. At home I try to relax but it is difficult when your mother phones you and begins to give you a lesson on thank you notes (yes, I still have some from Christmas I haven’t written yet, but if I had a 25th hour I promise I would do it straight away).
The baby is an “it” and will continue to be so until June. It wasn’t that they couldn’t see the sex of the baby at today’s ultrasound – it was that we chose not to be told. I feel really relieved that we don’t know. We talked quite a bit about whether to ask to be let in on the secret or not but in the end we chose to say no when they asked if we wanted to know the sex. I think the decision was easier for me than for J. He says he feels weird to be refusing information and I understand what he means. But I am relieved that I don’t know the sex of our baby. I am relieved that the focus is not boy or girl, blue or pink, one name or another. Focus is baby.
And baby is fine. Baby’s brain, kidneys and bladder looks fine as does its heart and spine. We saw lips and nostrils and heard the heart beat. It was overwhelming and I am amazed how happy you feel when someone tells you “baby’s kidneys look just fine”. Today “fine” and “just as it should be” were golden words and I gulped down every single one of them. And I still felt the need to ask “so everything is as it should be?” just before we left.
I tried to write a countdown post the other day. I turn 30 in less than a month and I expected I had something to say. I din’t. I have slowly realised that turning 30 is so not important. It’s not on my list of great things to happen in 2009. Before the pink lines, turning 30 freaked me out. The thought of turning 30 and not being pregnant was more than I could take. Turning 30 was a milestone – it was OLD. Now turning 30 is just another step before I get to meet our baby. In many ways I would much rather turn 31 because then I could share my cake with our firstborn and my birthday present could be something as simple as a smile from the little one. Is it alright to look forward to 31 before turning 30?