what is up?
I have about a million drafts, a million attempts of trying to get back to this space. And none of it has worked. One day I write about living in a haze of winter tiredness, of too much flu and too little vacation, the next I write about the sun through my windows and the energy coming back to me. In between I have days of searching my brain for a memory worth writing about. And the result is no words, silence.
I got married this summer and while I didn’t mind telling, I felt weird blogging about it and I didn’t want it to be the only thing I talked about before it happened. However, for a couple of months when I sat down attempting to write, all got was wedding related stuff. Do you see where I am going?
I am, as you probably know, pregnant, and while I really want this blog to be about as many things as possible, most ideas for blog posts these days are pregnancy related. I wonder whether other people would be interested in my back hurting? In my trouble finding a pregnancy swim suit? In my discovery that one day you wake up and you look considerably larger than when you went to bed the night before? While I am quite quickly able to answer “no” to all these questions, nothing else to write about really comes to mind.
Why is it that life sometimes seems to be so one-sided? As if my life consisted of nothing but pregnancy, of nothing but work? I guess the truth is that though life is more complex and has more to it than just pregnancy or work there are always elements in life which take up more space than others. Like when you are falling in love and that is all that is on your mind. Or when he breaks up and life seems to be about nothing else. Or like when last spring desperately wanting to be pregnant the only thing I saw when I went out my door was pregnant women.
It is February and I am five and a half months pregnant. I realised the other day that I have yet to take the first picture of my stomach. There will be no documenting how I went from looking bloated to looking pregnant. I always imagined I would take loads of pictures, but that was apparently just my imagination. It is February. In a week it’s March.
It would be so easy to say that my life at the moment is nothing but work and pregnancy, but that is simplifying my existence to a degree I don’t like. And I guess the truth is that these two topics are just what seems the easiest to write about and one of them (work) I am doing my utmost to “ignore” on this blog and the other (pregnancy) always has me thinking that maybe it isn’t really of interest to anyone but me. Here goes. Here is a peak into my life:
Work has been hectic. It doesn’t help that I have been ill twice since the beginning of the year. Both rounds have been tough. One left me in bed five days, so did the other but that was while we were on vacation so it didn’t affect work in the same way. Both have had me needing at least a week to get back to normal after being ill.
Pregnancy is going great. I am five and a half months pregnant and in 10 weeks I leave my desk and the plan is not to return (for anything other than a visit now and then) for at least 10 months. It’s wonderful and weird at the same time. I can’t wait to get to know this little thing kicking away inside of me, but on the other hand it feels weird knowing how long I will actually be gone from what has taken up the majority of my time the past two years. Though I probably shouldn’t worry about it yet, I can’t help but think about what it will be like to return to work sometime in spring 2010.
Love is wonderful. I feel lucky to wake up to my husband every morning and I feel grateful he asked me to marry him – and that we did. He has been witnessing some tough things lately and though it pains me that the world situation is affecting our everyday life, I am also extremely happy to be with him while it is happening. It is a great comfort knowing he is by my side and that his hand is always there for me to hold. And it amazes me, over and over again, how love is just not one feeling but something that grows and evolves every single day, how you can go to bed on a Sunday evening and realise that – as if you weren’t besotted already – this weekend you fell in love with your husband all over again.