changes in the air
One thing is for sure: March is definitely different from February.
Changes are in the air. I watch people gold digging and make the most of the changes and I can’t do a thing. When I left work Thursday, I was looking forward to my maternity leave. When I left work today, I felt that my hands and feet were tied and desperation could be seen in my eyes.
My maternity leave starts in 8 weeks. Tucked away safely in my belly is a child I spent so many months dreaming about, spent so many months being desperate for. And there is no way that things happening around me should make me want it less. It is our baby, our family, our dream. It is still a bit unreal, but as my belly grows we start to talk about it more and more. I look forward to this baby like I have never looked forward to anything before, but there is a price to pay and I might have been a bit naive when I thought that the waiting we went through combined with no drinking during my pregnancy and a couple (or many) sleepless nights to come would be it.
I love this child already. I don’t know the sex of it, I don’t know anything about it, but I know I love it. I feel extremely blessed to be able to stay at home with this child for most of its first year, and I wouldn’t have it any other way, but I have to be honest and admit that I do feel a little bit like I am about to close the door, live in my own little world for a year and then open the door and exit hoping that things haven’t changed too much and that at some level I have been missed and is wanted back.
The proper metaphor, the proper comparison, I guess, is that of my normal clothes versus my pregnancy clothes. A couple of months ago I emptied my closet, summer clothes – skirts and shirts – and pants whose waists were now too tight left and instead the empire waists and the maternity pants entered. I parted with a cute black skirt I had bought only days before learning I was pregnant and as I folded it, price tag still on, I wondered whether I would ever get to wear it. Some things you control, the issue of losing the extra weight once the baby is born, but some things you don’t, the changes the body goes through which will be left as permanent signs you had a baby. Pregnancy clothes are fine while it lasts, but I guess (because I don’t know) at some point you are desperate to get back to your normal clothes, to fit right in, to not have to adapt a whole new wardrobe that you, from the very moment you try it on, don’t necessarily feel fit.
As things tightened today, I asked my boss for a week off at the end of March. It was a way of buying breathing space and I needed that. Combined with a couple of days off here and there this leaves me with only two full five day work weeks before my maternity leave. I don’t want to look forward to it because it allows me to close a door and try not to worry too much about things, but because it allows me to open a door to a world I have dreamed of so long, a world I have longed for, a world I could never imagine myself without, a world which many have entered before us, but in this specific case a world my husband and I are the first people to explore and get to know.
I love you little thing, you are already the most important thing in my life. Don’t ever let people tell you otherwise!