breaking the silence
“It used to be my favorite site, but nothing has been happening for a while,” J said the other day, and I looked at him and came up with a million excuses. I didn’t mean to stop writing and as I told him I would love to post, but that isn’t always enough.
It’s been a couple of upside down weeks. And I couldn’t write about it here and I searched my brain for other things to write, but nothing came up and the easiest thing to do seemed to be to just not write. I am better now, things are better now. Lots of things are still unsure, and last night was another night of lying awake for a couple of hours, but I am trying to get myself together and focus on the one thing that, at least so far, is going according to plan: Pregnancy.
And that’s another reason I have been struggling to write. Not because the pregnancy is going great, but because I sometimes feel I have nothing to say but things about being pregnant and is it really that interesting? But I guess pregnancy is a major player in my life right now and there’s no denying it and if it is what is on my mind then why not write about it?
J left for China this morning. I cried when we kissed goodbye and for half an hour after he left, I sat in the living room with my hands on my belly assuring the baby – and not least myself – that Friday will come soon. J has gone away many times before but it seems to be different this time now that I am visibly pregnant. I wonder if the baby will notice he is gone. There will only be my hands on the belly, and no one to kick in the early morning long before I wake up, and the sounds from the outside world will be my voice and the radio instead of daddy’s voice.
Around New Year a friend of ours, who is due two weeks before me, asked if we had started buying things for the baby since everything was on sale. I said no and if she asked me the same question now, I would say no once more. We ordered a baby tub the other day, but mostly because it is a cool designer tub that’s just come out and will not have the price tag it does at the moment for long. My brother and his wife have promised that we can borrow a lot of things from them and that is great, but we still need to buy some things of our own and I have no idea when we will do so. We don’t have a shower tradition so there’s no depending on other people getting things for us. I guess sooner or later we’ll get out there and start gathering the things we need, but the only thing that is for sure is that baby comes when baby comes and its arrival is not awaiting our being ready.
My third trimester begins today; I can’t believe I am two thirds through. And as I walked back home from the supermarket this morning, I forgot to put on my gloves and I didn’t even notice, and even if we have lots of cold days to come in the next month it still means that spring is on its way. And spring means summer, and summer means baby and tub or no tub I will never forget the summer of 2009.