all about the baby
These days it is all about the baby. She is with me everywhere. These past two months I have been out without her a handful of times and it’s not that I have been seeing girlfriends or buying myself fancy new clothes. No. It has been a handful of not more than half an hour outings to the grocery store, the chemist or the flower shop (where I treated myself to a cactus even though I now have a kid and cactuses are not the ideal plant when you have kids around, but I figured that until she’s walking it would be okay). And for now, I am happy with those tiny outings. Despite my occasional annoyance with us always being together (when she won’t fall asleep in the pram and cries while we are in the checkout line), I am not yet ready to leave her in the hands of strangers (or relatives) in order to get more alone time.
I haven’t forgotten that there were once days with no baby, days that were completely mine with no one interfering. And I haven’t forgotten what it was like to be just me and J. I miss those things, I miss hour long dinners with J and a bottle of champagne. And on days like yesterday where my body felt as if I had been up since 3am, I miss sleeping in. I see couples in love on their way to the beach and miss the sun kissing my skin and splashing water on J, I read film and theatre reviews and miss the hours spent in the dark, I buy eggs and flour for a cake I don’t have time to bake and miss the days when baking was always an option.
But what I don’t miss is the misery because I wasn’t pregnant, the crying, the fake smile I had to put on when people came over and told us they were expecting. I don’t miss the discussions and arguments J and I had late at night when I thought life had decided against us. Nor do I miss the jealousy I felt when pregnant women walked passed me on the street – smiling and beaming. I don’t miss googling like a mad woman, never my name, always things in the line of fertility. These days I am happy where I am. Sometimes it’s tough, but mostly it is just the greatest thing ever. It was in every way worth the wait, not that I still wouldn’t have loved if it had come easier.
That everything is about the baby doesn’t really bother me, not yet at least. It does make it a bit more difficult to email people who I know won’t be interested in hearing about labour and the first weeks of motherhood and how maternity leave is going way too fast, but my life is all about G so I would pretend to be something else if I didn’t write about her.
The other day I sat in front of the computer trying to figure out if I could write a post that wasn’t about my daughter. It would be okay to mention her, but I had to focus on something else. I couldn’t come up with anything. And then I thought to myself that I am actually alright with things being like that. After all, this blog was from the very beginning a thinly disguised place for me to write about trying to get pregnant, wanting to get pregnant. My great 2008 was not about anything else and even though having a baby was number 5 on my list, I could easily have made it number one, I could have made it the only thing on my list. So for now, I am fine with my daughter taking up every second of the day.
Happy weekend everyone. Where I am, the sun is shining, the music is playing, the baby is sleeping and the family of three has a lovely weekend ahead of them.