at the end of the day
It has been a whirlwind day. It has been one of those days where people around you push and pull and you just try to stay on your feet. And since that is pretty much impossible you accept that a couple of times you will fall to the ground and the only way to go from there is to get up and continue your walk through the day.
Days like today are days that remind you that weekends are good, and that lunch breaks are really breaks (so take them!), but also that what you do for a living isn’t meaningless. It involves deadlines and racing hearts and people on the other end wanting things five days ago. It is a good thing days aren’t always like today, but it is also a good thing that some days are like today.
And it is a good thing I only fell to the ground a couple of times and that I easily got on my feet again. Had it been a different day, I wouldn’t be writing now, I would be crying. I guess it is part of the game, but thank God I had one of the good days today.
Bad days have crept in since I returned. I knew they would eventually come, but the first one hit me sort of hard. Not in the “curl up and cry” way they have previously (and will again, I am sure), but I was reminded that some days coming home and feeling safe at the end of the day is all you want.
Life at home isn’t always fun. We struggle to keep the apartment clean. J gets up every morning at 5am with G and on the weekends we take turns getting up early. We struggle to put our daughter to bed at night and since she gets up at the crack of dawn, we need to go to bed pretty early leaving us with almost no time to just look each other in the eyes and hold hands. Some nights I wish we had someone to watch our baby and we could go for an evening walk and share an ice cream.
My husband and my daughter are what get me through the really rough days. Back when I wasn’t pregnant but wanting to be work and the challenges it brought me was what got me through the missing second line.
The importance of having both a job and something to come home to has become more important in recent years. I realise that not everyone has both, and I consider myself lucky that I have. I had J when I didn’t have a job, and when I didn’t have the baby I so desperately wanted I had a job (and J). I don’t know how I would have coped had I not had something to hold on to on either home or work front in those situations.
I am lucky and I write this to make sure I remember days like these the next time my day isn’t a good one, the next time I fall to the ground and can’t get up because that day could happen tomorrow or the day after. The only things I know for sure is that it will happen and when it does I don’t want to have forgotten today.