Life as it is
Life is up and down. Sometimes it’s good, sometimes it’s bad. Last night was bad, tonight is considerably better.
I went away last week. I pre-posted because I want to make this space work again. When I look at those two posts now, following the one about the risk of losing my job, I think it looks as if I don’t care about that risk, as if my attitude is “to hell with it, let’s get on with other things”.
That’s not how I feel. I guess life is always – for lack of better, excuse the tacky expression – that rollercoaster. Up and down, up and down. Only at the moment life and sentiments don’t change on a day-to-day basis but on a minute-to-minute instead.
Thursday January 13th I jumped on a boat to Norway with my family. Just as we had been told about the changes. Planned in early September when we didn’t know anything, it turned out to be the best timed holiday. My colleagues stayed behind and returned to work as usual knowing that the verdict on who is in and who is out won’t be given until February. I got to go away.
We skied and the girl slept like a log in the pulk. We ate great dinners, talked and went to bed early. I knitted and read a few pages here and there. And best of all: I kept thoughts on work at bay. It wasn’t until Saturday night on the way back on the boat that work popped up in a dream and thus returned to me.
The whole situation makes me feel dizzy. I wonder if it is wrong to write about other things (like wanting another child) when the risk of being asked to leave surrounds me. It is not that it is constantly on my mind so should it be here?
This morning I took out a piece of paper and began writing all the things I want to do in the first six months of 2011. It is not a life list. It is an “if we don’t write it down we won’t get things done” list. This means it has things like “paint the kitchen trims” and “clean the fridge” on it, but it also has pleasant things like “weekend in Sweden” and “throw G a birthday party” on it. J and I have talked about it for a while now. About wanting to make a list to ensure that we won’t be toasting to 2012 wondering what we did with 2011. Or rather: I suggested the idea, J liked it, and then it was kind of up to me to make that list if anything was going to happen. I won’t be posting it here. It isn’t a traditional “Things I would like to do in 2011” or a life list. Instead it is a list that this morning gave me some rays of hope. Work or no work. 2011 is not even a month old and we have lots to do. We have a family, a marriage, friendships, an apartment – all things in need of being taken care of. I don’t like the idea of being without work, I fear having to write application upon application once again but the difference from last time four years ago is that I have a life that is totally dependent upon me. My girl doesn’t give a hoot about my job. I am sure she likes that I bring home money, so she can have some more Duplo, but work is not important. That I am her mother, that I am happy and love her, that I will play with her and treat her to raisins when she is begging for them, that I am half of her secure and steadfast family life – that is what is important.
Writing about other things when my job is up in the air seems weird. I don’t think I will ever stop feeling like that, but I feel as if I need to write about other things in order to remind myself that life is no longer just about a job. We are lucky. We will manage if I lose my job. We won’t have to sell the apartment, we can still have another kid. In so many ways I am blessed. And in so many ways I feel guilty about being in this situation. Lots of lives crash when people lose their jobs. My heart goes out to every single one of them. I am a lucky potato for being in a situation that enables our life to go on for a good while with only smaller changes. Please remember this when I write about wanting to knit more or read more books or about meeting one of my best friends’ newborn baby boy. It is never because I don’t care, it is because it is my way of staying sane.